When Missing Goes Awry
It had been over 2 years. I decided on my birthday that I would stop missing but continue loving. Within a day, I cracked open.
Missing is a reaction to separation that is meant to cure separation but after years it only deepens separation.
Love is in the present tense. Asking "why? all the time is not. How do I answer a question that has no answer? Frustration, anger, regret... the "why" loop continues that way. Meanwhile, have I remembered or shared the love that legacy has left me? I had thought that my act of missing was a result of loving. What I called missing was more like "honorary regret". We're left on this earth to pick up where our forbearers left off. Even if they left way too soon. Especially if they left too soon. The road to that is simple as the current of love that connects us to them today. Love is that road.
Long ago, I made a film called "Fracture". I was missing an ex-girlfriend and thought I'd sublimate my angst by telling a tale about someone who misses in self pity all the way into old age. The character was actually glorifying his internal fracturing. He was glorifying his loneliness even though he had "moved on". He was distant to his present lover in this rumination. If I were to make a part II (which I'm not), I'd have the guy recognize on his death-bed that he's actually connected to his lost love and everyone around him and that he has been standing on the starting-block his whole life while love went on without him. Maybe his last words could be "oh shit!". I'd have him speak them on the inhale for effect.
Many of us accept our broken hearts as a way of life. Some know that healing is available to everybody who seeks it. Instead of asking "Why?" I started to ask "How?". I do still find myself caught in the sting of absence; that guttural feeling of loss. It's then that I stop myself and meditate to "love instead of miss". Love because I miss. " Missing" can point toward our connection with the source but "missing" is not our connection to source. Our connection is the love that we consciously grow in ourselves and share with others.
K
Missing is a reaction to separation that is meant to cure separation but after years it only deepens separation.
Love is in the present tense. Asking "why? all the time is not. How do I answer a question that has no answer? Frustration, anger, regret... the "why" loop continues that way. Meanwhile, have I remembered or shared the love that legacy has left me? I had thought that my act of missing was a result of loving. What I called missing was more like "honorary regret". We're left on this earth to pick up where our forbearers left off. Even if they left way too soon. Especially if they left too soon. The road to that is simple as the current of love that connects us to them today. Love is that road.
Long ago, I made a film called "Fracture". I was missing an ex-girlfriend and thought I'd sublimate my angst by telling a tale about someone who misses in self pity all the way into old age. The character was actually glorifying his internal fracturing. He was glorifying his loneliness even though he had "moved on". He was distant to his present lover in this rumination. If I were to make a part II (which I'm not), I'd have the guy recognize on his death-bed that he's actually connected to his lost love and everyone around him and that he has been standing on the starting-block his whole life while love went on without him. Maybe his last words could be "oh shit!". I'd have him speak them on the inhale for effect.
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| On the set of FRACTURE with Brad Douglas |
Many of us accept our broken hearts as a way of life. Some know that healing is available to everybody who seeks it. Instead of asking "Why?" I started to ask "How?". I do still find myself caught in the sting of absence; that guttural feeling of loss. It's then that I stop myself and meditate to "love instead of miss". Love because I miss. " Missing" can point toward our connection with the source but "missing" is not our connection to source. Our connection is the love that we consciously grow in ourselves and share with others.
K
Comments
He continues to visit me in my dreams. What do I do about it? Scream, "leave me alone" or say, "wait... don't go!"
missing
I'd love to hear about your Pat dreams some time.
Kevin